Why becoming a better leader is never about being โborn with itโโand what Iโve learned about growth, failure, and earning the trust to lead
Let me be blunt: leadership isnโt something youโre born withโitโs something you build. And not through magic, ego, or position. You build it the same way you build anything worthwhile: by learning, failing, reflecting, and showing up again and again.
Iโve led soldiers into combat zones and boardrooms. Iโve commanded 200-person teams and overseen billions in logistics. But none of that made me a great leader by default. What made me effective was my willingness to learn from every experienceโgood and bad.
This isnโt theory. This is lived leadership. And if thereโs one thing I want you to take away from what follows, itโs this:
Leadership traits arenโt fixed. Theyโre trainable. And if I can learn them, so can you.
I Wasnโt Born With TemperanceโI Learned It the Hard Way
Early on in my career, I had a reputation: the guy with the temper. Passionate, sureโbut reactive. Iโd snap when things didnโt go right. I thought intensity proved I cared.
One day, I lost my cool. I don’t even remember what triggered it, but Iโll never forget the fallout. Trust eroded. Eyes rolled. People shut down. And it hit me: this isnโt working. Not for me, not for my team.
So I did the work. I studied my own triggers. I rewired my reactions. I practiced calmโover and over again. It took time. It wasnโt easy. But now? People tell me Iโm one of the calmest leaders theyโve worked with.
Thatโs not personality. Thatโs progress. Thatโs what learning leadership looks like.
Leadership Isnโt Either/OrโItโs a Balancing Act You Practice
We often treat traits like confidence or humility as binary. Youโre either confident or youโre not. Youโre either humble or youโre arrogant.
But thatโs not how humansโor leadersโwork.
Think of these traits as spectrums. If you have too much humility, you defer endlessly and lose your voice. Too much confidence? You bulldoze your team and miss better ideas.
The key is balance. And balance is something you learn through feedback, self-awareness, and reps. You donโt start knowing how to strike that middle ground. You figure it out over time, through the situations that demand more of one or less of the other.
The same goes for decisiveness, emotional control, presenceโyou name it. These arenโt fixed attributes. Theyโre learned adjustments. And with every challenge, you get better at calibrating.
Knowledge Gives You the Map. Experience Teaches You How to Drive.
Thereโs no shortage of books, frameworks, or training on leadership. And theyโre valuable. But knowledge alone wonโt make you an effective leader.
Itโs like this: leadership theory is your map. It tells you the possible routes. But leadership experience? Thatโs actually getting in the car, hitting potholes, finding detours, and figuring out which roads are jammed on a Friday afternoon.
The real work happens in motion.
Thatโs why Iโm skeptical of any coach who promises the solution. There isnโt one. Every team, every situation, every context needs a different route. The only way to learn which one fits? Experience. Reflection. And trying again.
Curiosity and Adaptability Are Learned ToolsโNot Just Personality Traits
Letโs talk about adaptability. People love to say, โIโm just not good with changeโ or โThatโs not who I am.โ
But hereโs the truth: itโs not about who you are. Itโs about what youโre willing to work on.
Iโve worked with leaders who were rigid, reactive, and convinced they couldnโt change. And Iโve watched them shiftโbecause they got tired of hitting the same wall. Eventually, they asked themselves, โWhat if the problem isnโt just the world? What if itโs how Iโm responding to it?โ
Thatโs the moment learning begins.
Adaptability isnโt a natural gift. Itโs a strategic advantage built through self-awareness and deliberate experimentation. And curiosity? Same deal. The most curious leaders I know arenโt naturally inquisitiveโtheyโve trained themselves to stay open, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Coaching Isnโt About Advice. Itโs About Revealing What You Already Know
When I coach leaders, I donโt hand them answers. I hold up the mirror.
One client, a senior director, came to me crushed by impostor syndrome. She was co-leading a mission-critical project, yet felt like she didnโt belong. Until I asked, โWho tapped you for this?โ
โThe VP,โ she said.
โExactly,โ I told her. โYouโve already earned their trust. Youโre just forgetting it.โ
Thatโs what coaching does. It doesnโt implant leadership into you. It helps you remember whatโs already thereโand build on it.
Accountability Isnโt Just Consequences. Itโs the Culture You Build
Hereโs a leadership truth most people ignore: accountability isnโt just about firing someone. Itโs about building a culture where people own their workโbecause they care, not because theyโre scared.
The best teams Iโve led didnโt wait for me to hold them accountable. They held each other accountable.
That doesnโt mean there arenโt consequences. But if someone drops the ball because of personal struggles, we rally. We support. We learn.
And yes, if it happens again and again without growth? Then consequences come. But accountability should always start as an invitation to improveโnot a threat.
Mistakes Are for Learning. Violations Are for Consequences.
Thereโs a line, though. When someone makes an honest mistake, I treat it as a teaching opportunity. When someone violates our core valuesโlike stealing or lyingโthatโs not a teachable moment. Thatโs a red line.
Knowing the difference is part of what separates effective leaders from micromanagers or pushovers.
And again: this discernment is learned. You donโt walk into leadership knowing when to coach and when to cut ties. You earn that intuition over time, through mistakes and reflection.
The Military Doesnโt Formally Teach LeadershipโBut It Should
I love the Canadian Armed Forces, but Iโll be honest: we donโt teach leadership well.
We teach rules. Policies. Chains of command. But real leadership development? Emotional intelligence? Psychological safety? Team dynamics? Thatโs mostly left to chance.
What saved me wasnโt the systemโit was the people. It was senior NCOs who took the time to mentor me. It was failure that forced me to evolve. It was hard-earned insight, not a checklist, that taught me how to lead.
And thatโs why I do what I do nowโbecause leaders shouldnโt have to learn everything the hard way. We can teach this. We must teach this.
My One Rule When Taking on a New Team: Assume You Know Nothing
When I take command, I hold back. I observe. I ask. I listen.
When I took over the depot, I didnโt change a thing for three months. Not because I was timidโbut because I knew I needed context. I needed to understand the culture, the challenges, the people.
Only then did I introduce my vision. And even thenโit was a two-way conversation.
Because I donโt care how senior you are: if you lead with ego, youโll break trust before you even earn it. But if you lead with humility and curiosity? Youโll learn exactly what your team needsโand how to serve them best.
Final Takeaway: Leadership Can Be Learned. If Youโre Willing.
If you’re reading this and thinking, โIโve got so far to goโโgood. That means you’re ready to grow.
Everything Iโve described above? It wasnโt natural to me. I learned every piece of it. Sometimes the hard way. And I still keep learning.
You donโt need to have it all figured out. You just need to be open to building something betterโone step, one conversation, one reflection at a time.
And if you want a guide in that processโsomeone whoโs been there, who gets it, and who can help you navigate your own leadership journeyโIโd be honored to walk with you.
I offer private 1:1 coaching for leaders who want to grow their confidence, strengthen their team, and lead with impact.
Whether you’re feeling stuck, doubting your abilities, or just ready to level up, weโll work together to get clear on what mattersโand take action that actually moves the needle.
๐ฏ Ready to talk about whatโs next? Book a free Leadership Clarity Call
Letโs build the kind of leader you were always meant to becomeโone skill at a time.
About the Author
Scott McCarthy is a senior Canadian Army officer and the Chief Leadership Officer of Moving Forward Leadership. With more than two decades of experience leading high-stakes teams across operations, logistics, and combat zones, Scott now helps leaders in business and government grow their confidence, team impact, and legacy. Connect with him on LinkedIn.