Why becoming a better leader is never about being “born with it”—and what I’ve learned about growth, failure, and earning the trust to lead
Let me be blunt: leadership isn’t something you’re born with—it’s something you build. And not through magic, ego, or position. You build it the same way you build anything worthwhile: by learning, failing, reflecting, and showing up again and again.
I’ve led soldiers into combat zones and boardrooms. I’ve commanded 200-person teams and overseen billions in logistics. But none of that made me a great leader by default. What made me effective was my willingness to learn from every experience—good and bad.
This isn’t theory. This is lived leadership. And if there’s one thing I want you to take away from what follows, it’s this:
Leadership traits aren’t fixed. They’re trainable. And if I can learn them, so can you.
I Wasn’t Born With Temperance—I Learned It the Hard Way
Early on in my career, I had a reputation: the guy with the temper. Passionate, sure—but reactive. I’d snap when things didn’t go right. I thought intensity proved I cared.
One day, I lost my cool. I don’t even remember what triggered it, but I’ll never forget the fallout. Trust eroded. Eyes rolled. People shut down. And it hit me: this isn’t working. Not for me, not for my team.
So I did the work. I studied my own triggers. I rewired my reactions. I practiced calm—over and over again. It took time. It wasn’t easy. But now? People tell me I’m one of the calmest leaders they’ve worked with.
That’s not personality. That’s progress. That’s what learning leadership looks like.
Leadership Isn’t Either/Or—It’s a Balancing Act You Practice
We often treat traits like confidence or humility as binary. You’re either confident or you’re not. You’re either humble or you’re arrogant.
But that’s not how humans—or leaders—work.
Think of these traits as spectrums. If you have too much humility, you defer endlessly and lose your voice. Too much confidence? You bulldoze your team and miss better ideas.
The key is balance. And balance is something you learn through feedback, self-awareness, and reps. You don’t start knowing how to strike that middle ground. You figure it out over time, through the situations that demand more of one or less of the other.
The same goes for decisiveness, emotional control, presence—you name it. These aren’t fixed attributes. They’re learned adjustments. And with every challenge, you get better at calibrating.
Knowledge Gives You the Map. Experience Teaches You How to Drive.
There’s no shortage of books, frameworks, or training on leadership. And they’re valuable. But knowledge alone won’t make you an effective leader.
It’s like this: leadership theory is your map. It tells you the possible routes. But leadership experience? That’s actually getting in the car, hitting potholes, finding detours, and figuring out which roads are jammed on a Friday afternoon.
The real work happens in motion.
That’s why I’m skeptical of any coach who promises the solution. There isn’t one. Every team, every situation, every context needs a different route. The only way to learn which one fits? Experience. Reflection. And trying again.
Curiosity and Adaptability Are Learned Tools—Not Just Personality Traits
Let’s talk about adaptability. People love to say, “I’m just not good with change” or “That’s not who I am.”
But here’s the truth: it’s not about who you are. It’s about what you’re willing to work on.
I’ve worked with leaders who were rigid, reactive, and convinced they couldn’t change. And I’ve watched them shift—because they got tired of hitting the same wall. Eventually, they asked themselves, “What if the problem isn’t just the world? What if it’s how I’m responding to it?”
That’s the moment learning begins.
Adaptability isn’t a natural gift. It’s a strategic advantage built through self-awareness and deliberate experimentation. And curiosity? Same deal. The most curious leaders I know aren’t naturally inquisitive—they’ve trained themselves to stay open, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Coaching Isn’t About Advice. It’s About Revealing What You Already Know
When I coach leaders, I don’t hand them answers. I hold up the mirror.
One client, a senior director, came to me crushed by impostor syndrome. She was co-leading a mission-critical project, yet felt like she didn’t belong. Until I asked, “Who tapped you for this?”
“The VP,” she said.
“Exactly,” I told her. “You’ve already earned their trust. You’re just forgetting it.”
That’s what coaching does. It doesn’t implant leadership into you. It helps you remember what’s already there—and build on it.
Accountability Isn’t Just Consequences. It’s the Culture You Build
Here’s a leadership truth most people ignore: accountability isn’t just about firing someone. It’s about building a culture where people own their work—because they care, not because they’re scared.
The best teams I’ve led didn’t wait for me to hold them accountable. They held each other accountable.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. But if someone drops the ball because of personal struggles, we rally. We support. We learn.
And yes, if it happens again and again without growth? Then consequences come. But accountability should always start as an invitation to improve—not a threat.
Mistakes Are for Learning. Violations Are for Consequences.
There’s a line, though. When someone makes an honest mistake, I treat it as a teaching opportunity. When someone violates our core values—like stealing or lying—that’s not a teachable moment. That’s a red line.
Knowing the difference is part of what separates effective leaders from micromanagers or pushovers.
And again: this discernment is learned. You don’t walk into leadership knowing when to coach and when to cut ties. You earn that intuition over time, through mistakes and reflection.
The Military Doesn’t Formally Teach Leadership—But It Should
I love the Canadian Armed Forces, but I’ll be honest: we don’t teach leadership well.
We teach rules. Policies. Chains of command. But real leadership development? Emotional intelligence? Psychological safety? Team dynamics? That’s mostly left to chance.
What saved me wasn’t the system—it was the people. It was senior NCOs who took the time to mentor me. It was failure that forced me to evolve. It was hard-earned insight, not a checklist, that taught me how to lead.
And that’s why I do what I do now—because leaders shouldn’t have to learn everything the hard way. We can teach this. We must teach this.
My One Rule When Taking on a New Team: Assume You Know Nothing
When I take command, I hold back. I observe. I ask. I listen.
When I took over the depot, I didn’t change a thing for three months. Not because I was timid—but because I knew I needed context. I needed to understand the culture, the challenges, the people.
Only then did I introduce my vision. And even then—it was a two-way conversation.
Because I don’t care how senior you are: if you lead with ego, you’ll break trust before you even earn it. But if you lead with humility and curiosity? You’ll learn exactly what your team needs—and how to serve them best.
Final Takeaway: Leadership Can Be Learned. If You’re Willing.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve got so far to go”—good. That means you’re ready to grow.
Everything I’ve described above? It wasn’t natural to me. I learned every piece of it. Sometimes the hard way. And I still keep learning.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be open to building something better—one step, one conversation, one reflection at a time.
And if you want a guide in that process—someone who’s been there, who gets it, and who can help you navigate your own leadership journey—I’d be honored to walk with you.
I offer private 1:1 coaching for leaders who want to grow their confidence, strengthen their team, and lead with impact.
Whether you’re feeling stuck, doubting your abilities, or just ready to level up, we’ll work together to get clear on what matters—and take action that actually moves the needle.
🎯 Ready to talk about what’s next? Book a free Leadership Clarity Call
Let’s build the kind of leader you were always meant to become—one skill at a time.
About the Author
Scott McCarthy is a senior Canadian Army officer and the Chief Leadership Officer of Moving Forward Leadership. With more than two decades of experience leading high-stakes teams across operations, logistics, and combat zones, Scott now helps leaders in business and government grow their confidence, team impact, and legacy. Connect with him on LinkedIn.