Crush Intimidation: 12 Steps to Unleash Leadership Confidence | Scott McCarthy | Episode 327

Scott McCarthy [00:00:01]:
It may have happened to you in the past heck it definitely has happened to me in the army even and that is You’re feeling intimidated whether that be a subordinate Maybe a coworker doesn’t really matter either way you feel a bit intimidated, and you’re just not sure what to do Well this week on the people forms leadership podcast. We’re gonna answer that question or tackle it with 12 tips for you to go ahead and crush that intimidation and lead effectively. Are you ready for this? Alright. Let’s do it. Welcome 1. Welcome all to the Peak Performance Leadership Podcast, a weekly podcast series dedicated to helping you hit peak performance across the three domains of leadership. Those being leading yourself, leading your team, and leading your organization. This podcast couples my 20 years of military experience as a senior Canadian army officer with world class guests bringing you the most complete podcast of leadership going.

Janelle McAuley [00:01:20]:
And for more, feel free to check out our website at movingforwardleadership.com. With that, let’s get to the show. Yes. Welcome 1. Welcome all to the Peak Performance Leadership Podcast. It is your chief leadership officer, Scott McCarthy. And thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of the military leadership insights where I talk about my personal experiences in the Canadian Army bring you all kinds of great leadership goodness and this week on the podcast we’re talking about feeling intimidated. We’re getting all touchy feely, and I just wanna let you know, like, you feel intimidated from time to time by a member, maybe that member is a subordinate of yours, Maybe they are a coworker.

Janelle McAuley [00:02:22]:
Doesn’t really matter. But the moral story is that, first off, it is totally normal. I’m gonna kick off with a story of mine where I felt intimidated, and you’ll know why pretty quickly when I tell this story. So I want you to well, not you, but I’m gonna go way back. Alright? Back when I just finished Royal Military College and showed up to my 1st unit the 1 service battalion in Edmonton, Alberta. So here we go 2 ulti cyclone Lieutenant Scott McCarthy walks into 1 service battalion in Edmonton just full of life, full of, you know, excited, ready grinding, ready to go, ready to launch into his military career, just stoked and just, you know, wanted to become a good and, you know, really good officer. One that leads his troops well and made a difference. So, you know, fast forward a little bit, and I walk in one day, and there are 3 or 4, can’t remember exactly how many, but regardless, 3 or 4 senior noncommissioned members standing there, warrant officers.

Janelle McAuley [00:03:41]:
You know, if you understand military rank structures and hierarchy, you will understand that I am actually above them in the hierarchy. Even though I’m the 2nd lieutenant, I’m still above them in the hierarchy. And one of the senior NCOs, a warrant officer Who worked for me said hey, sir? How old are you? And I said 23 Ward, and he’s like, oh 23. Hey, and he looks at one of you know, he starts kind of going around the room. He’s like 24, 28, 26, points out himself 27, and I didn’t click in at first, but then I realized what he was counting was the number of years of service that these members had in the military. So they all in that room had more years of service than I had of life. And let me tell you, you know, that that’s intimidating. Right? Like, when you think about it, you’re I’m supposed to be, you know, I’m this green freshly minted cycle of tenant, and I’m supposed to be in charge of these folks.

Janelle McAuley [00:04:59]:
And they have more years of service in the military than I have alive at that point. Yes. It is intimidating. Okay? It was at that time. So that’s the first thing is to, you know, first step, and I have 12 of them for you to overcome. Okay? It’s 12 steps slash tips what have you, but I have 12 of them for you to overcome this feeling of intimidation. And the first one is is you gotta acknowledge it. You know, it’s common.

Janelle McAuley [00:05:37]:
It’s normal, especially in these professional settings for you to feel intimidated. And I’m not gonna say it’s not a big deal, but it’s kind of not a big deal. It seems saying it’s in that you’re not special. Okay. This isn’t just happening just to you. It happens to all of us. So it’s important for you to realize that in but the same breath, you know, validate these feelings you have rather than dismiss them. K? Like, hey.

Janelle McAuley [00:06:10]:
It’s okay to feel intimidated. We all feel intimidated. Doesn’t mean you’re weak. Doesn’t mean you’re incapable, incompetent, what have you, But it’s okay to feel that way. So when you do feel that way and you acknowledge those feelings, what I want you to do is just take a moment reflect on your feelings with judgment. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t get down on yourself. Like, oh, I shouldn’t feel this way.

Janelle McAuley [00:06:38]:
As a other podcaster that I follow says all the time, don’t should all over yourself. Okay. Should this and should that. Just reflect on it without any judgment. And the next thing you’re going to do is reflect on the source of intimidation. And what we want to do is get specific or hone in like a sniper and find what is causing that feeling. It’s normally one specific thing. Okay.

Janelle McAuley [00:07:10]:
It might be their assertiveness in meetings, could be their particular expertise, or maybe it’s the communication style. In the example I gave, it was their experience level. Right? More years of experience than I had of life that was intimidation. So by understanding the source, you can actually address the issue more effectively and not allow it to control your emotions. Like, oh, okay. Yeah. They’re an expert in this realm, but I don’t need to be. It’s not my job.

Janelle McAuley [00:07:52]:
It’s not my role to be an expert. Oh, they got more years of service of course they do. They’re much older than I am. They’ve been in for longer. Okay. And we’re gonna tie that into the next one, but I just want you to get an understanding that you want to reflect on the source so that you can kind of take away its power and you take away its power by the next tip, which is focus on your strengths You have strengths. You’re in your role for a reason. Alright.

Janelle McAuley [00:08:26]:
Maybe you’re already in a leadership role. If not, you’re trying to develop your skills to get in a leadership role, which is the strength in itself. K? So take a moment when you feel this way and create a list of your strengths, your past successes, your unique contributions to your team and your organization, and show yourself. K. You’re gonna reinforce to yourself that you’re worthy. You bring value. You’re a valued member to the team. In my case in that time, you know, alright.

Janelle McAuley [00:09:05]:
Yeah. I was so young, but at the same time one of my biggest strengths was I was willing to listen and learn from these folks. And actually one of them mentioned that to me later on in my career like, man, you actually listen to us. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I? You have more to experience than I have of life. Of course, I’m gonna listen to you. Will be dumb not to Okay Instead of going the opposite route with like look at me. I’m the boss.

Janelle McAuley [00:09:36]:
I’m the leader. I’m the one in church Right beating my chest no. That’s not how we build a team whatsoever and in fact, you’re going to turn around and exude your lack of self confidence, or you’re going to intimidate others with this false sense of strength. So focus on your strengths. In that moment, in that situation, what have you, focus in on them. Alright. The next tip I got for you in overcoming this intimidation that you may have is you need to develop open communication with that person that’s intimidating you. Okay? You need to approach them.

Janelle McAuley [00:10:19]:
I know this can be tough like they’re intimidating you. Of course, the first thing you think of is not going to be going to them and talking to them, But you know what? You do need to do that. You need to go forward and discuss your concerns or, you know, seek clarification on specific issues. If they are being super assertive in meetings and they’re a subordinate or even a coworker, go in and try to understand why. Okay. Approach it with the appreciative inquiry type of mindset, like, hey, you know, you’re super assertive in meetings. You know, can you explain to me why you feel like you need to do that or what is your goal here? And you never know, like, the person actually may not even realize that you’re being that assertive in a meeting. K? Or perhaps their communication style is rough.

Janelle McAuley [00:11:18]:
Be like, hey. Do you know, when you communicate with me in that super direct way, that it doesn’t go well with me. It comes across very negative, harsh, what have you, and they just again may not realize that. So having that communication and and talking with the individual breaks down those boundaries, breaks down those barriers for you to act for both of you to actually understand what’s going on here. So it can, you know, demystify the situation. It’s gonna help reduce your anxiety, and it’s gonna help you actually make it easier for you to collaborate in the future. So consider that moving forward. And the next tip I got for you is, you know, seek some feedback.

Janelle McAuley [00:12:03]:
Go talk to maybe go talk to some trusted colleagues, some mentors, and see what they see and, you know, ask them what they see, especially when you’re interacting with this individual. Perhaps they see something. Perhaps they see an area for you to, you know, for growth for you and that you can actually maybe stand up for yourself more, maybe be a little bit more assertive with this person to put them kind of back in their place if that’s needed per se. What have you? And basically, what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to get that feedback which is going to turn around and help alleviate these feelings of intimidation. Remember feedback is a tool for development. It’s not a personal attack against you and you it helps you in so many ways. Next tip is set some boundaries. Okay? And if the intimidation is coming across is really aggressive or it’s super disrespectful, then go ahead and set boundaries.

Janelle McAuley [00:13:10]:
Okay. Be like, hey, Jim, thank you but that type of tone or those types of words are not acceptable in this, you know, in this area. Again, do this more in a private setting like taking Jim away from the meeting afterwards and having a talk with him or Jane what have you, but you get my point. Set the boundaries. Explain to them in a professional calm professional manner what’s acceptable and what’s not Because most likely others are feeling the same way, especially if you have someone who’s super assertive to a point of being aggressive and disrespectful. You’re going to, by setting boundaries, establish a more respectful and comfortable work environment for your team. And tip number 7 is build relationships. Okay? Invest time in building rapport with your coworkers, your subordinates, and by doing this, what’s gonna happen is you can actually reduce your feelings of intimidation, foster collaboration, because you’re gonna get to know this person on a more personal level.

Janelle McAuley [00:14:26]:
K? And you’ll just realize, like, oh, yes. They talk assertively or a little bit aggressively, but they don’t actually mean to. It’s just how they are. And we’re you know? Or they’re they’ve acknowledged through open communication, that they do that, and they’re working on fixing it. Right? Maybe they know they’re that way, and they’re actually actively working on fixing it. And maybe you’re that coach for them to identify to them that, hey. You’re being aggressive here. You’re being too assertive there, so on.

Janelle McAuley [00:15:00]:
And you can build that through building relationships. Alright. Tip number 8, practice some self compassion. You know, you gotta be kind to yourself, especially moments of doubt. It kind of goes back to our earlier talk or earlier point right about reflection and stuff and such. So treat yourself to some compassion, that the same compassion that you would offer a friend. Like, if you’re gonna be super hard on yourself, imagine your best friend coming to you and saying the things that you’re saying to yourself. Alright.

Janelle McAuley [00:15:37]:
It’s okay. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses, and it’s okay to ask for help or admit that you don’t know something. That’s actually a strength in itself. So practice some self compassion when you feel intimidated by someone else and realize that you don’t want me especially if they have more expertise in the area for you, it’s okay. You shouldn’t know everything, and But you can learn. Alright? Next tip is develop some emotional intelligence, which is basically what you want to do is recognize and manage your emotions effectively. Right? Because what you don’t wanna do, especially if you get into one of those times when someone’s aggressive or super assertive, and you don’t want to get emotions flared up.

Janelle McAuley [00:16:30]:
So recognize those scenarios, and what you want to do is actually combat them with calmness and confidence. Alright. You can lead better your relationships, your workplace dynamic by being calm and confident. Alright. So don’t meet anger with anger. Shouting matches does nothing to help your workplace. Someone starts getting, you know, aggressive and assertive, you get assertive back by saying, but you’ve remained calm. You know, sorry, Jim.

Janelle McAuley [00:17:17]:
This is not acceptable. Ask you to, you know, go take a walk, take a step away. And once you’re ready to have a calm conversation about this particular topic, then come back. You can do that yet still be intimidated by that person or have that feeling in that moment. But you need to execute emotional intelligence. You need to realize when you’re getting hot and maybe you need to go say, sorry, Jim. We need to pause this conversation because I feel my stress and my anxiety and me getting frustrated is rising. And what I wanna do is just take a step back, regroup myself, and then come back, and we can have a calm rational discussion about this particular topic.

Janelle McAuley [00:18:08]:
Okay? It can go either way, but you need to recognize that or work on that. Alright number 10. We’re getting there folks and that is seek support. Hey. You you feel intimidated by somebody, you know, reach out to a friend. Maybe that’s a mentor. Maybe that support group. Maybe that’s a peer.

Janelle McAuley [00:18:27]:
Maybe it’s even your credit HR section. What have you? Just, you know, reach out for support, see what they have to say. You’re actually doing that by listening to this podcast. So perhaps down the line, you have a scenario where, you know, you need to remind yourself of these tips, well, coming back is a form of seeking support, and that is a strength not a weakness. It’s a proactive step towards personal growth in dealing with these scenarios in a professional manner, not simply winging it. Alright. 2nd last tip for you is to focus on growth, have that growth mindset, you know, get away from being fearful growing, and what you’re doing is actually, alright, attacking those areas that make you feel intimidated by growing. You’re going to develop the tools that enable you to, you know, not fear their expertise.

Janelle McAuley [00:19:29]:
Know how to handle the assertive over assertiveness, the aggressiveness. Okay. Whatever it is that makes them makes you feel intimidated by them by focusing on your growth can actually lead to your both your personal and professional advancement. And finally, the last tip for you of this podcast episode is leadership principle number 1. Let’s lead by example. Remember, at the end of the day, you are the leader. So going out there regardless demonstrate confidence, demonstrate approachability, being that charismatic leader that your team wants, whether, you know, allowing or being open minded to people’s expertise or being firm fair towards people who are showing too much assertiveness, not too direct of a communication style, what have you. But showing people what the example is, it can actually help you overcome your own feeling of intimidation because what you’re doing is you’re going back to the beginning and reinforcing your strengths.

Janelle McAuley [00:20:42]:
Alright? You’re going to acknowledge that feeling. You’re reflecting on its source, and you’re going into its strengths. So always lead by example. It will help you overcome those feelings of intimidation. And those, ladies and gentlemen, are the 12 tips I have for you today to overcome intimidation. Again, they are acknowledge your feelings, reflect on the source, focus on your strengths, develop open communication, seek some feedback, set boundaries, build relationships, practice some self compassion, develop some emotional intelligence, seek support, focus on your growth, and finally, lead by example. And I hope that this episode helps you. Again, it is a common thing to have happen.

Janelle McAuley [00:21:36]:
Do not be shy about it. If it does, you know, we’ve just gone through 12 tips. No doubt there are more. If you have more feel free to let me know with them I would love to know okay whether that’s through social emailing What have you? And if you’re having difficulties, you know overcoming this type of intimidation we do have programs for you. So jump on a call with me. Alright. Let’s talk about what programs we can have. Well, you know, a program what program would be best suited for you to overcome this type of scenario and help you get leading in the right direction.

Janelle McAuley [00:22:14]:
And just jump on a call by going to lead don’t boss.comforward/clarityclarity, like, as in everything cleared up, and grab a call. And, hey, if, you know, the times don’t work out for you, just message me and we’ll figure something out. I’ve done that I don’t know how many times. So again, that’s leadoposs dotcomforward/clarity. Until next time, as always, lead, dump boss. Take care now. And that’s a wrap for this episode, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for listening.

Janelle McAuley [00:22:53]:
Thank you for supporting the Peak Performance Leadership podcast. But you know what you could do to truly support the podcast? And no, that’s not leaving a rating and review. It’s simply helping a friend, and that is helping a friend by sharing this episode with them if you think this would resonate with them and help them elevate their performance level, whether that’s within themselves, their teams, or their organization. So do that. Help me, help a friend win win all around and hey, you look like a great friend at the same time. So just hit that little share button on your app and then feel free to fire this episode to anyone that you feel would benefit from it. Finally, there’s always more. There’s always more lessons around being the highest performing leader that you can possibly be.

Janelle McAuley [00:23:47]:
Whether that’s for yourself, your team, or your organization. So why don’t you subscribe? Subscribe to the show via movingforwardleadership.comforward/subscribe. Until next time, lead, don’t boss, and thanks for coming out. Take care now.